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Road to Rationalism

February 15, 2009

It’s a difficult conclusion to arrive at that your behavior might be something less than worthy of the calling “Christian,” but a conclusion I feel driven to by that same calling, if that makes any sense at all. In looking back on yesterday’s fiasco, and trying to analyze how it might have gone differently, it all comes down to a series of “what ifs.” What if I had turned the other cheek, and not pressed for an explanation, and an apology? What if I had contained my frustration at the inconvenient turn of events, instead of giving vent to it? What if I had thought about taking the high road, and living my life as a testimony to that high road, instead of reducing myself to a certain finger-in-the-face level?

 

Things might have progressed very differently.

 

This is not to say that I behaved like a fishwife, or a shrew, or a gutter-snipe, or anything similar, but I don’t think I behaved like Jesus, either. I reacted, with a gut-level intensity, to the same hostility of others around me. It’s been a difficult road back to rationalism in the past twenty-four hours, but I’m getting there, and beginning to see clearly past the haze of all of those swirling, not-so-nice emotions.

 

I debated with myself over posting the previous entry—and not because I was concerned over libel or slander or anything like that. After all, if it’s true, it’s none of those things, and I do believe there were plenty of witnesses to my public lambasting to support everything I wrote as the Gospel truth. No, I debated the posting because there is a part of me that wishes I were less impulsive, less exacting, more easy-going. I’m not sure I like the picture of me that is disinclined to let it go when someone makes a mistake and doesn’t own up to it long enough to apologize for it. Is that what Christ would do?

 

I posted the entry because I am, if nothing else, driven to be painfully honest with myself. If I shove this part of myself in the closet, away from the light of the day, I have gained no clarity, no conviction of the need to change.

 

We are living, breathing testimonies every time we walk out of the doors of our homes. The music we choose to listen to, the conversations we have with our friends when we think no one can hear us, and most importantly, the knee-jerk instinctual reactions to situations when others are avidly watching…these are the things that others will gauge as measures of our Christian lives.

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