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Best Laid Plans, Pt 1

May 25, 2009

Sometimes I hate being a parent. Smaknews ( just tweeted (is that the right term?) a link for the fifty text acronyms that parents should be aware of and…wow. Let me just count my blessings really quickly.


One, Autumn is only in the fourth grade, and Lawson’s a kindergartner. Well, fifth and first, since summer is knocking on the door and then they’ll be moving on up.


Two, they don’t own stinking cell phones.


Three, they’re really good kids. So that means I will never have to worry about any of this stuff, right? Not unless, of course, I find myself back in the high school English classroom and confiscate some kid’s cell phone during the Driving Miss Daisy test, and have to inform her to her sugar-can’t-melt-in-my-mouth face that I unfortunately do know what IMEZRU means. In fact. Sorry.


Kids have really changed. This list of acronyms for hooking up for sex and anything else you can think of is appalling. I swore I’d never use the old “back in my day…” thing, because doing so would only make me feel old and decrepit and anything but with-it, but…okay/pause. I think I might just stop there and re-evaluate. It’s possible that kids haven’t changed that much. It seemed that most of them were, after all, all about “hooking up” when I was in school…I just…wasn’t. It’s possible that I was just very, very different. I was, for instance, the last innocent in my “gang” in high school, having decided several years earlier to wait on sex with the right one–the right one being the wedded one, that is. This was unnatural to my friends—so much so that my well-meaning friends crafted hysterical, elaborate plans to get me drunk and get me laid before graduation—plans that I sabotaged over and over again creatively but with single-minded intent. At least, most of the time.  There was a time I sabotaged their plans for me completely unintentionally.


It happened one Saturday night as we slipped away to Virginia Tech for a frat party during my junior year. Tech was hundred or so miles away, give or take a few, and we left the ‘burg around ten p.m. after we had each carefully constructed alibis for all involved. We got to Tech around midnight, found the party, and strolled in, trying to look as though we belonged.


Some of my friends actually did look as though they belonged. Tall, voluptuous, natural partiers, Jen and Neely immediately fit right in. Michelle and I—small framed, less boisterous, probably stood out like the high school sore thumbs that we were. But we grabbed red plastic Dixie cups of  room temperature brew and tried to mingle. Or, at least, Michelle did.  I hopped up on a kitchen counter and hoped that with some luck I’d eventually fade into the background.


Eventually I did. Michelle wandered off when some William Baldwin look-alike started up a conversation with me. I took tiny sips of nasty beer (never did develop a taste for the stuff) and tried to sound intelligent and collegiate with frat boy. Flirty probably would have been more the ticket. Neely peeked in a while later, saw me chatting and from across the room gave me a thumbs up, some story about needing to run out to the 7-11, and a little wave. Then she was gone. I didn’t realize until later, when I started to search, that Michelle and Jen had left with her, leaving me alone at the party.

That would be the last I saw of any of my friends for a while.


To be continued…

2 Comments leave one →
  1. May 26, 2009 8:46 am

    Some of this sounds painfully familiar… I’m looking forward to part 2!

  2. Barbara permalink
    May 27, 2009 9:43 am

    Thanks for the link. Just another thing to worry about with a cell phone.

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