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Everybody Farts

August 6, 2010

It is a truth that must be universally acknowledged: everybody farts.

Some do so silently and in a quiet corner in a quiet room, content in the knowledge that no one is around to intrude upon their crass but very human behavior. Some do so with unabashed pride and good-humor, reveling in their ability to make the loudest sound or the stinkiest smell.

Lawson farts. Frequently, and with gusto. He takes after his father in that respect. He laughs, shrugs. Claims cheerfully, “better in than out!”

Duane is a typical silent and deadly kind of male. I will be sitting innocently in the den watching t.v. and minding my own business, Izzy the Chihuahua resting on my lap, when an odor so rank as to be an almost visible presence in the air approaches our nostrils. I cut my eyes over to my husband who sits in his recliner, a little smirk playing on his lips.

As if it was funny.

As Autumn is a tween and a girl, we will pretend that she does not fart as a courtesy. However, we all know that everybody farts.

And then there’s my mother. She has no shame. A couple of Thanksgivings ago, my younger brother brought his girlfriend to visit. This may have been one of the first times she had met our family—I can’t really recall. It was early days, though. When we were sitting around at a card game, Mom must’ve cocked up her bootie and let ‘er rip a grand total of fifty times—give or take. She “poots.” With conviction.

She was pooting with conviction again tonight, in the presence of company. I tried to warn her that what happens at Mom’s house definitely does not stay at Mom’s, and I would be blogging, but she continued to fart. Amidst helpless giggles, she tried to divert attention from herself by telling me about my grandmother, who refused to fart around anyone. Grandma used to wait, according to Mom, until all five girls went to bed, and would then—loudly—fart herself to sleep under cover of quilt and darkness—content in the knowledge that no one could hear her.  She continues to do so at eighty-four.

May I be so discreet and so deluded at that age. I didn’t forget myself, by the way. I’m just not discussing my personal farting habits with everyone. It’s enough that you know that A) every human farts. B) I am a human. C) Therefore, I probably fart.

Okay, then.

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13 Comments leave one →
  1. August 6, 2010 9:59 pm

    I live in a house full of men that fart ALL THE TIME. They are proud of their body functions and even more proud of it if they made you cover your nose. Needless to say, many of my shirts have stretched necklines due to the random need of covering the nose….

  2. August 6, 2010 10:52 pm

    In the privacy of my home… well, it just doesn’t seem right to talk about it, does it? But I will say this: my 17-year-old son is the worst of us all by far. Especially on road trips when it’s freezing outside and you don’t want to roll down the window. But you have to. Because GROSS! I have a great farting story about my dad. Can’t remember if I ever blogged about it, though. I need to look into that…

  3. August 6, 2010 10:53 pm

    I never fart. Girl’s don’t fart. Or so I’m told………. 😀

  4. August 6, 2010 11:42 pm

    I find it interesting that you are willing to talk about everyone else’s habits on your blog, however, you will not divulge your own secrets… interesting, my friend, interesting.

  5. August 6, 2010 11:47 pm

    Too funny! You totally give a new meaning to the “strong silent type”!

  6. Lori permalink*
    August 7, 2010 7:55 am

    Look everyone, sometimes you just gotta go with what inspires you, and yesterday, it was Farting. 🙂

    Bonnie, as I grew up with 3 brothers, I feel for you, I do.

    Gerb, I will look forward to that post!

    Rachel–*eye roll* do I need to repeat the syllogism? 😉

    Jason–this is called The Blogger’s Prerogative. I could tell you, but then I’d have to kill you.

    Cee–that’s me. Totally above such things. 🙂

  7. Lori permalink*
    August 7, 2010 7:56 am

    Oh, and just an fyi for you blogger guys–farting posts encourage a TON of hits. Just so you know.

  8. August 7, 2010 10:11 am

    LOL!!! i enjoyed the comments almost as much as the post. i don’t think the word fart has entered my mind so many times in such a short amount of time. thanks for that.

    my husband NEVER fails to laugh at his own jokes and his own farts.

    for the record. i am not human. i am SUPER human. therefore, like rachel, i do not, nor will i ever be able to, FART.

  9. August 7, 2010 10:51 am

    Growing up with 3 brothers and now having 3 boys of my own farting is the norm around our house. They don’t even give it a second thought UNLESS a member of the female species does it, then it is hilarious. I guess it’s good to know I still have one trick left to resort to if entertainment is scarce.

  10. Anaise permalink
    August 8, 2010 8:51 am

    My girls think it is sooooooo funny right now! I keep watching for when they’ll outgrow the laughing madly at bodily functions stage–but not yet!

  11. Lori permalink*
    August 8, 2010 6:54 pm

    Misty: Fart. Fart. FartFartFart.

    Gotten past it yet? 🙂 These were funny comments…can’t help but smile as I read.

    Nat–you are a PRO, girl! Lawson’s kind of outnumbered with his one siser and two girl cousins, so they giggle madly whenever he lets one rip. It’s pretty comical.

    Anaise–I can just see that passle of little girls, hands over their mouths, giggling helplessly every time someone toots. I don’t think they’ll outgrow that for quite some time…after all, we still giggle uncontrollably at my mom, and she’s in her fifties.

  12. Lesley Thompson permalink
    August 14, 2010 7:07 am

    Lori, Did you forget the time at Morrison’s Cafeteria at the Mall when Carl vacated the car and the people in the car beside us were laughing because they knew by the fast exit what had just occurred? How embarrassing!

  13. Lori permalink*
    August 14, 2010 8:47 am

    Mom–did not remember that one. Oh well.

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