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September 24, 2010
Human embryo at six weeks gestational age

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My baby is roughly a quarter of an inch right now, with a heart that has developed three-quarters of the way. The brain and reproductive, cardiovascular, and nervous systems are developing as I type.

Somehow, despite the tiny size of the baby, I’ve already managed to gain four pounds feel the need for new pants that don’t cut off my circulation.

Lawson has generously offered to let the baby share his room. “, We’ll need bunk beds,” he informs me. He is solicitous, asking “How’s my baby? Our baby, I mean. It’s our baby. How’re you feeling?” as he climbs into the car after school. He hovers over me as I am trying my darndest to sink into a coma-like sleep later, after arriving home. “You tired?” he asks. “Feeling okay?”

I crack open my eyelids a slit. “Just fine,” I tell him.

It’s hard to fathom that I am actually pregnant, and after eight years that there will be another baby in the house. I’ll have to plug the outlets again with those little plastic thingies. I’ll need a boppy pillow. A high chair. A crib. Even with my growing bump, it doesn’t quite feel real.

It’s difficult to quell the anxiety. I haven’t been to the doctor yet–they don’t see you until you’re nine to ten weeks around here–so my mind races with the possibility that something is not right. Maybe it’s one of those hysterical pregnancies, where the body just totally thinks there’s a fetus in there and responds accordingly. Maybe it’s an empty sac. Maybe it’s just the wish of a desperate uterus.

I hate to even write those words, as though the very act of transcribing of them is a jinx.

I cling to faith, though, that holds that all is well–that God would just not give me those revelatory two pink lines if this were merely some awful cosmic joke.

Am I crazy? Nah. These are actual normal emotions, I’ve read, for this stage of pregnancy. Does it make me feel better to know that other women have suffered paroxysms of worry over the same potential for loss? Absolutely. Misery loves company, after all.

I chronicled, over the past several months, what it felt like to long so miserably for a pregnancy. I wrote of every negative pregnancy test, every yank at the emotional grab-bag–running the gamut from hopeful anticipation to an almost physical despair as the months and cycles progressed. It struck me as I was going through this experience that it was such a common experience for women–particularly those of a certain age, as I am. Everywhere I googled there were forums devoted to “am I? I feel like I am, even though it’s still six days before my period…” and the subsequent “I thought I was but turns out it was just gas…”  I couldn’t not write about it. You can read about it at my “Crazytown” pages, if you desire. I’ll publish a little more each week. To read, simply scroll down the right-hand side of the page. You’ll see “Crazytown,” followed by links for each chapter.

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12 Comments leave one →
  1. September 25, 2010 12:07 am

    OH, Lori, it’s so sweet to see how caring Lawson is! I know that whole hormonal thing you’re experiencing. When I got pregnant with Michaela (the boys were then 9 and 12), it was surreal. I wanted it so bad yet I was so afraid it wasn’t true.

    Looking forward to Crazytown… I think I bought a ticket for that place once or twice….

    SO excited for you! SO excited! HUGS!!

  2. September 25, 2010 10:30 pm

    So so normal!! Everything you are feeling and your Lawson is an angel.

    Wow! To go back into baby mode after being out of it for so long. I’d be having major anxiety as well! Along with the excitement.

    Exciting times ahead.!! Baby shopping! Nothing is as fun I think.

  3. Anaise permalink
    September 26, 2010 7:32 am

    Yes, I have all those feelings each time, too. I understand. I really understand. I am very happy for you, and I think your little man is a darling.

  4. September 26, 2010 10:58 am

    Darling Boy! Lawson!

    Motherhood In All It’s Glory.

    The good (That Darling Boy!) and the not so easy (Fear!) all wrapped up in one big ride. Just stay buckled and keep your hands and feet safely inside. We are all on the ride with you so don’t worry. We will scream when you scream and laugh when you laugh. We may not lose our cookies all at the same time, but at least we can empathize. Besides, the view from the tippy top is nice, so it’s all worth it.

  5. September 30, 2010 5:41 am

    I am sitting here grinning ear to ear because I KNOW this is going to turn out to be wonderful fodder for the blog.
    Congrads on the soon to be new little one. Though it won’t seem soon, instead an eternity. Enjoy EVERY moment of it.

  6. October 3, 2010 9:25 pm

    Rock on, Lori! I’m happy for Lawson’s new addition to the family…

  7. October 5, 2010 7:53 am

    J–heh, heh. He’s going to be crushed if it’s a girl.

  8. October 5, 2010 7:54 am

    Thank you, Bonnie…I’m trying to be good and not write every post about being pregnant…that’s HARD! It’s exciting, and distracting, and almost as terrifying as it was nine and twelve years ago. 🙂

    And so, so hard to wait… 🙂

  9. October 5, 2010 7:56 am

    You mean you’re not going to puke with me? You won’t feel that horrible, watery-mouth, will-I-make-it-to-a-trashcan-or-do-I-just-need-to-open-the car-door-and-heave sensation? What kind of a friend are you?! 😉

  10. October 5, 2010 7:57 am

    Oh, good. *sigh of relief* It’s always excellent to know you’re normal. It’s so wonderful to be able to share all of this with people who truly GET IT.

  11. October 5, 2010 7:59 am

    Rachel–it’s incredible. I need to write a post about the other day when I went baby-shower-shopping for a former student and ended up getting stuck in Burlington Coat Factory for TWO solid hours. I was just wandering the baby aisles, checking out all of the new and improved goods. And it’s kind of exciting, because I honestly kind of thought I was going to be done after Lawson…I was going to be a good wife…lol. I have NOTHING left, except a few very special baby blankies that belong to Autumn and Lawson. No crib, nothing. This is awesome. 😉

  12. October 5, 2010 8:02 am

    Cee–I know you did! 😉 (Buy that ticket…) It sounds like you were pretty much in exactly the same spot…there are 8 years between this one and Lawson, and 12 for Autumn. Wht a ride!

    I’m really poking out now, though…there’s no real mistaking that it’s pregnancy and not fat. Reality is setting in with each new maternity garment.

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