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Crazytown, Ch. 5

October 5, 2010

Chapter Five: Control

I decided that I had some control issues. Major ones.

I came to this conclusion as I stood over my pumpkin plant one morning and realized that I was, quite moronically, rubbing the reproductive organ of one pumpkin blossom against the reproductive organ of another pumpkin blossom, trying to transfer some pollen and get nature to do its dirty reproductive work, already. This probably would have worked quite well, except that both reproductive organs sort of happened to be male.

Oops.

Cue terrible flashbacks of that scene in that movie…I believe it was Grease 2…when all of the students were dancing on the desktops and having a grand ole time as they sang “Reproduction.”  “Any other nectar gathering creature can create the same situation…anything that can get the pollen to the pistils…” Yes, it probably would have worked just fine, if any of the twenty delicate orange blossoms had been in possession of an actual pistil.

It was okay, though. I will grow pumpkins next year—a full, lush patch of them. If I have to buy a hundred packs of pumpkin seeds, I will make certain that I have both male and female seeds, and I will have pumpkins.

It was eye-opening. As I watched my pumpkins fail to grow, to literally wither and crumple fruitless on the vine, I was reminded of my own inability to conceive, even though everything appeared to be in working order. Even though we hadn’t been actively trying, I hadn’t been on birth control for close to three years, ever since I had the IUD that was causing some problems removed. While we hadn’t necessarily been careless, I wouldn’t say we had been careful, either. What were the odds that we wouldn’t have an accident in that time? And now, each month’s efforts were being met with frustrating failure.

I was tired of trying to control what was out of my grasp.

It was the hardest thing to do that I’ve had to do in the reach of my memory, but I went to my closet, pulled out the box of ovulation predictor tests, and chucked them. No more. If I’m ovulating and happen to have SEX…great. Perhaps the egg will be fertilized. Perhaps it will implant six days later. Perhaps I will figure out that it occurred a couple of weeks later. And perhaps I wouldn’t drive myself crazy wondering in the interim.

And perhaps pigs would sprout wings and soar with their friends the eagles.

Control and worry are, for a woman, like mascara, chocolate, and a good pair of shoes. Control is vital to her emotional well-being. It goes hand-in-hand with anxiety. If there’s something that’s out of her control, she’s going to be anxious and fret over it. No matter how many times she reads Matthew 6:25 or Jeremiah 29:11, she is going to want to control her circumstances, and she is going to worry when she cannot. It’s an innate part of a woman’s soul to do these things.

I think control and worry are the reason women are given good Christian girlfriends and mentors by the Lord. When she’s struggling, she doesn’t want to hear from her man that she needs to “suck it up.” But a woman who’s been there…that’s balm, baby. It’s Vaseline.

So with the thought of my girlfriends firmly fixed in mind, I tied the corners of that garbage bag and dragged it into the garage, dragging my control issues along with it. If S. could deal with her little girl’s leukemia, who was I to whine over not getting pregnant Right Away? Or ever, for that matter? If B. could deal with her baby having holes in her heart, who was I to complain? If T. could deal with infertility—just out and out infertility—no babies at all—who was I to argue that I needed another? I mean…who was I, anyway? Was I petitioning the universe, like what’s her face in Eat, Pray, Love, just because I had the audacity to be a member of it? “I, Lori, petition You, Universe, for another Child. I feel I deserve one, as a ranking member of the Universe, because I am a Good Mother, as opposed to some of these other Shiftless Beings…”

Whatever. It doesn’t work like that. It’s more along the lines of: my God created me, He gets to make the decisions. He has a plan for me. I don’t know what it is, but I trust that it’s pretty awesome.

End of chapter.

I’ve heard that a few people have had trouble locating Crazytown…and honestly, there’s a lot of stuff to sift through on my sidebar. So I’ve decided to post this chapter, and also the links for the previous four. Happy reading!

Chapter One

Chapter Two

Chapter Three

Chapter Four

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8 Comments leave one →
  1. Anaise permalink
    October 5, 2010 8:09 am

    Letting go of my desire for control? Seeking and loving God’s will for me? Yup, that’s exactly what I’m trying to do every day, too.

    I’m loving this story.

  2. October 5, 2010 9:33 am

    holy cow. or holy pigs. i don’t know which. lori, this is so good. i haven’t read any of the others yet, i am so glad you posted this. some of us are just that lazy….you gotta pick me up and place me there. so here i am. and thank you.

  3. October 5, 2010 3:24 pm

    Control issues, that’s me. When I wanted to get pregnant, I couldn’t when I didn’t want to pregnant, I was. I took it as God’s way of letting me know He is in control and he has a plan.

  4. October 6, 2010 12:10 am

    I.LOVED.THIS!
    Especially this line- “Control and worry are, for a woman, like mascara, chocolate, and a good pair of shoes. Control is vital to her emotional well-being.” Oh man, that is me to a T!
    I love when I read something written by someone else and see myself in it. And this….boy, did I ever. Like looking in the mirror about 8-9 years ago. There was validation for my need to control things, the helplessness in not being able to, and the courage to finally let go and leave it in His hands.
    I’m with Misty, thank you for plunking it in front of us.

    PS- I loved the slight dig at “Eat, Pray, Love”. Yes, I am a chick, but that was one flick I did not get.

  5. October 6, 2010 2:44 pm

    LOVE this. Thanks for sharing it. Now I need to get into your Crazytown archives and read some more…

  6. October 7, 2010 8:29 am

    Anaise–thanks :). I’m glad it’s speaking to you.

    Misty–Holy Pigs, Batman! Love that. I had a friend tell me that she couldn’t find it, so I decided to plop it down in front of her. I’m glad you’re liking it.

    Bonnie–that’s it, in twenty words or less. His plan, not ours.

    Natalie–It’s so validating that people (women) are seeing themselves in this. The one thing that kept me sane during this whole experience was the belief that I was not alone in the experience…that so many other women have gone through the same thing.

    …and as for EPL…whew. Started reading the book, which is incredibly well-written, but ultimately I just felt sorrow for its author. She has this idea (which unfortunately is permeating our culture) that there are multiple ways to achieve grace and salvation. “Jesus” is just one of many synonyms. I don’t know about these other faiths, but the Jesus of my faith says “I am THE way, THE truth, and THE Life…” not “A way, A truth, and A life.”

    Gerb–let me know what you think! 🙂

  7. October 12, 2010 5:15 pm

    This. Was. FABULOUS! I couldn’t have said it better. Oh my gosh I’m a control freak! I know. Surprise surprise. Me. A freak.

    Oh I loved this like a delicious bowl of hot fudge sundae on top of a monstrous pile of ice-cream hiding a banana! A banana split. I want one. I want one now. I must make this happen. I WILL make this happen.

    Never mind. I can’t drive right now…….. sigh…….. I hate not being in charge.

  8. October 13, 2010 6:39 am

    Rachel–you a freak? Never would’ve guessed. 😉 Just sit back and relax, babe, and let someone else take the wheel for a while. It’ll all work itself out.

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